I Do, I Do, We Did – Finally, After Twenty-Six Years!

Frank Joseph DeFrancesco
and

Leon Jay O’Hart, Jr.

A Celebration of Marriage

Saturday, the Twenty- fifth of October

Two Thousand Fourteen

Frank and Leon, those of us gathered here today are honored to witness and celebrate your commitment to each other in marriage.

As our society still strives to overcome its fear and prejudice we here have grown to recognize the validity and beauty of your love and commitment to one another.

May your love continue to grow sure and strong and true in the days and years of your shared life together.

On Saturday, October 25^th, 2014 in a simple civil ceremony at our home and in front of a small contingent of family and friends, Leon and I said “I do”  - taking one another as our life-long spouses, “to support, honor and cherish through all the circumstances we may face and to never stop celebrating our love.”

We exchanged rings “as a symbol of our love and commitment to one another and of the values we share together.”

Leon’s mom “gave Leon away” and my sister walked me down the aisle too. Four of our dearest friends who we’ve known for all twenty-six of our years together, Joyce and Robin and Ed and Jeff, were “Our Best Persons”.

Guests included Leon’s brother Marty and sister-in-law Debbie, his two sisters Brenda and Lisa, a nephew, Neil and his wife Mehgan and their daughter Ada. On my side was my sister MaryAnn, my brother Mike and his wife Claire, my niece Andrea and my cousin Rose. My nephew Joe had planned to be there but had to be in San Francisco on business.

The officiant was Justice of the Peace, Michelle, who is also a member of Chimney Crest Writers (the group that guided and encouraged me through writing my memoir). She performed a beautiful civil ceremony for us.

The ceremony included two songs by Jeff Krassner that I posted recently, “Strong for You” and I hear the Angels Sing”;  my niece Andrea sang and played guitar accompaniment to “Make You Feel My Love” by Bob Dylan (a song which she chose for the occasion).

"Make You Feel My Love"

When the rain is blowing in your face,

And the whole world is on your case,

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,

And there is no one there to dry your tears,

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,

But I will never do you wrong.

I've known it from the moment that we met,

No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,

And I'd go crawling down the avenue.

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain't seen nothing like me yet. 

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn't do.

We ended with “Prince Charming” by Romanovsky and Phillips for a little levity, but at that point no one was listening - everyone was coming up with hugs, kisses and congratulations.

“Prince Charming” Romanovsky and Phillips

 I met you on a rainy day

But the sun’s been out since

And I knew from that moment that you were my prince

Funny how life is always a big surprise

I thought the man of my dreams would have blue eyes 

I thought you’d be taller

I thought you’d be rich

I didn’t think you’d be moody

And at times such a bitch

I thought you’d be brilliant

A real Einstein

But you’d rather watch TV than challenge my mind 

I thought you’d be happy

And never complain

But you’re so neurotic

You make me feel sane

I dreamt about you

Did you dream about me?

You wore shinning armor

And you rescued me

Funny how dreams are not always as they seem

My handsome prince turned out to be more of a queen 

You’re not as romantic

As I hoped you be

You never buy flowers

At least not for me 

I thought you’d be athletic

With muscles for days

‘cause it don’t matter

‘cause I love you the same

But don’t fear my darling

‘cause it’s you I adore

And I know you can’t be blamed

If at times you’re a bore….

After the ceremony and we had a celebratory toasting with appetizers provided by Joyce and Robin and my sister-in-law Claire who also brought the Asti Spumante.

Around three o'clock we all went to Pagliacci’s, a local Italian-American restaurant where we had made reservations for a party. The waitstaff, especially Allison, was super and the food was excellent. They were gracious enough to serve our wedding cake (a remarkably good generic cake from Costco) and no Italian wedding celebration would be complete without cookies to take home, so I made 12 dozen of Aunt Margaret’s festive Italian cookies (mine are not so fancy) and my sister and Claire also made delicious cookies. Claire provided favors for all the guests.

After the reception Leon and I were off to a local hotel for one night of relaxation - can't really call it a honeymoon, now can we? - a well needed night of peace and quiet.

All in all, the day went off without a hitch - no I guess that's not accurate as we got hitched - it went off just about perfectly. 

Now I have been hinting in past posts that a celebration was being planned, about ordering flowers, about it being a perfect occasion with all our immediate family being together in one place, about some “gay” love songs and about our love affair with the gold mokume gane rings. (Note: after much back and forth with jewelry stores, real and virtual, we purchased our Sterling Silver wedding bands at Ruby’s in Provincetown back in September – it just seemed fitting and serendipitous the day we rode our bikes into town and stopped in on a whim and saw rings we both liked at a fraction of the price of gold; we realized that our rings are symbolic, not a financial investment)

It seems that only Russ, over at Blue Truck, Red State had a clue, but I tried my best to throw him off.

Planning the event was fun. Choosing music, finding a nice reasonable restaurant, making invitations, programs and announcements, ordering a centerpiece and a corsage for Leon’s mom. The only thing that was work was house cleaning – like only Leon can do, and I try to do. We joked about registering at Neiman Marcus, and compared our plans to George Clooney’s recent extravaganza.

Now this was what I called a simple wedding, though it was slightly more than that.

In our attempt to keep it simple, we didn’t tell too many people, including relatives. You know at my age, anything can happen and I didn't want to jinx us - I could have had a myocardial infarction and ended up in the hospital and the wedding may have been canceled. Yet we had a few people who we spilled the beans to asking us if they could come. People were so excited for us. But we just couldn’t invite others beyond immediate family. For one thing we can’t afford it and for another, the house just isn’t that big.

So many people have been very excited when they find out: everyone we’ve told has reacted with loads of congrats and something like, “It’s about time.” or “We figured you’d do it sooner or later.”

We also kept talking about how weird it felt to be considering “marriage”. Neither of us had any wildest dreams, let alone dreams of getting married to a male partner. Same gender marriage was not even a concept when we were growing up. It was unthinkable when we were young adults. And it was unheard of back when we first met in 1988.

It still requires mostly unfamiliar mental calisthenics to wrap around the idea of marrying, even after 26 years.

But we see it as a way of protecting what we have built over those years. And I’m not talking about money, because we haven’t much of that. Having heard horror stories of partners being denied visitation or the right to make decisions or the right to even claim their partner’s dead body or make funeral arrangements, we both think marriage will offer some protection.

And there is for me, at least, the fact that it is a “political statement”.  The fact is that legally we can be married; the fact that there are so many still who hate us – hate us no matter what our “legal” status; the fact that I want to be “in their face” with it to some degree. I want to flaunt it. I want to be able to say to someone who refuses to discuss with me an issue about Leon’s health insurance or whatever, “I’m his spouse. I’m legally able to speak to you.”

And I want us to be counted in the up-coming census. I want us to be added to the growing numbers of same-gender couples who are courageously “out” and visible and being role models in one way or another, whose visibility has begun to make our relationships a matter-of-fact reality.

And I want all the Ma Beckoff’s in the world to get off Arnold’s back and to know that Leon’s and my relationship is every bit as real, every bit as authentic, every bit as loving, as hers or as any male/female married couple’s. And that same sex couples who lose a spouse feel loss as deeply, as profoundly and as heart-wrenchingly as they do.

Being pronounced spouses feels kind of like Pinocchio being transformed by the fairy - now we are real.

Photos and more to come.