Leon & Frank - 4th Anniversary October 25th, 2018

This is for my hubby, Leon, in celebration of our 4th Anniversary and 30 years of sharing our lives with one another. So I am posting this little slide show of some of our moments together. It maybe a bit pretentious, but hey, it's my blog.

I, we, Leon and I, have been truly fortunate.

During my many years of self-doubt and anguish I never believed I would have a boyfriend, a lover, a partner, a spouse, let alone 30 years of friendship and love. Such things were not even in my realm of imagined possibilities.

But here we are. After 30 years, still going strong for one another.

Thank you Leon, with all my love:



Music: Jeff Krassner, I Will Be Strong For You from the album of the same name.

And Now...A Word From Matt

How the next administration could destroy LGBT progress made with the help of Obama - and likely will:

A First Anniversary After 27 Years

Today we celebrate our First Anniversary - Leon and I were married on October 25th 2014.
Our "First" Anniversary after 27 years together.

This morning we went through all the cards we received on the occasion of our wedding and all the beautiful words and sentiments that our family and friends expressed. We love and appreciate all of you - immediate family, mom, brothers, sisters, in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. Your support and love means more than you can possibly know!

Over the past year I have been getting used to tossing around the word "husband" and the rebel in me gets a thrill out of correcting people who ask me about my "wife".... "no that would be my HUSBAND who is (the co-owner, going to be home at 3, the second on the AAA membership, or whatever)."

Sadly both my own sister, Mary Ann and our Justice of the Peace, Michele, passed away this year. We have fond memories of them on the happy occasion of our wedding and we are grateful that they were there with us.

Here are a few photos of the day.

Leon trying on the baseball cap veil

Me trying on the baseball cap veil

With My Sister Mary Ann DeFrancesco, RSM (Religious Sisters of Mercy)
who passed away on May 11, 2015 

With my Brother Mike, Sister-in-law Claire, Sister Mary Ann

With Leon's Sisters Lisa and Brenda, Brother Martin, Sister-in-law Debbie and Mother Joan

Dinner at Pagliacci's Restaurant

Michele Boyko, our Justice of the Peace who passed away on April 30, 2015

New Billboard in Morehead Kentucky and New Comments 9/22/15

New Billboard in Morehead, Kentucky.

I haven't posted much about this ridiculous "religious" controversy but I think this says it all:

The group writes, on its website:

Following the June 26th Supreme Court ruling on marriage equality, Rowan County clerk Kim Davis refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses in her home state, citing that doing so compromised her religious beliefs. That day, she became the poster child for the anti-gay movement.

As has been painstakingly observed time and time again, the anti-LGBTQ movement is comprised of a substantial number of zealots who unfailingly refer to their rigid interpretation of religious text to narrowly define “traditional” institutions and values. They pick and choose what they wish to convey as immoral and unacceptable, while seemingly sweeping lines of scripture just a few letters away completely under the rug.
In response, Planting Peace has constructed a message for Kim Davis and the anti-LGBTQ movement. The intent of the billboard is to expose this narrow interpretation by Davis and others that they use to defend their discrimination against the LGBTQ community. It is important and relevant to call this out, because these messages and actions are not simply about a political or religious debate. There are LGBTQ youth across the world who are taking their lives at an alarming rate because of these messages from society that make them feel broken or less than. We have to meet hate with love…intolerance with compassion.

OH - And where are all the other Christian denominations speaking out against this christian cult that picks which groups their bible says are not to be allowed civil rights or civil marriage?

EDITED POST: 9/22/15

I just want to express a few thoughts on the Kim Davis situation.

First, it is sad that so many people have lowered themselves to send her hate-mail or to name-call. It doesn't help our cause one bit, in fact makes us look like bullies and gives the anti-gay contingent ammunition. Reasoned arguments at least are not easily dismissed by intelligent people and well, those with closed minds don't listen anyway.

Second, has anyone considered the possibility that Davis' religion may be more cult-like than mainstream Christian denominations. I have dealt with people who've been involved with extreme fundamentalist groups and they are literally brainwashed into their beliefs. They hold on to them as if in dread of what might happen if their beliefs turn out to be wrong - and in the case of many gay youth, often through counseling they are able to recognize that their belief system is a great source of pain and confusion. I sense that Kim has bought into such a system because it has provided her a means to repudiate her past life and its disappointments and bad choices. What she may not know is that her current belief system may be fraught with other disappointments and bad choices.

It is easy to say she needs psychiatric intervention [above], but realistically, until her religion is shook at the foundations she will hang on tight. However, Kim, in the interview hints at this possibility of a crumbling belief system when she says her greatest fear is that God does not approve of her, that she may in fact be a hypocrite. I say, give her time. In five or ten years she will write a book about her recovery from this cult.

Third, where are the mainstream Protestant and Catholic denominations and leaders speaking out to say that Kim Davis does not speak for all Christians? Clearly she does not when many denominations approve of same-sex marriage now. Is the "religious freedom" issue too hot a potato to handle? Are they all afraid to put themselves in that position?

CELEBRATE OUR RIGHT TO BE MARRIED IN ALL 50 STATES! "It is so ordered."

This is a Post Script at the beginning of the Post: You know, I am more moved by the support of our allies and friends, average folks here and there, businesses and the media, than I am by SCOTUS. 

Excerpt from the ruling:

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed."

Graphic from the internet/The Advocate

We are now legal in all 50 states!

A great big "Thank You" to all those who have been a voice for this victory - all who have fought for LGBT rights for decades, all who have marched, voted, written, filed lawsuits, told their stories, lived courageously!

The SCOTUS decision, I felt, was self-evident. Our STATES can never be fully UNITED if we allow individual states to make their own rules about such a matter as crucial as the legality of a contract between two parties - in this case, the marriage contract.

That is not a "romantic" notion at all, and certainly not a "religious" notion; but when Leon and I traveled by car to New Mexico this past winter, we had legitimate concerns about how we might be treated in some states should we have an accident or illness. The possibility, no, probability, that our relationship of 27 years, which we recently "made legal" last October, might have been disregarded was frightening and disconcerting. But now we can travel within the boarders of OUR OWN COUNTRY and feel a bit more secure. I do say a bit more secure.

But hold on, and stay vigilant.

This victory is tempered by the fact that none of the four most conservative justices could be persuaded by logic and legal arguments. I find that frightening.

First, because the judgment is so divided and second, because I was not at all impressed with the majority's reasoning. I think the majority was searching for something that it couldn't quite articulate. It was full of niceties, but as legal reasoning, I think it fell short.

The idea of the Constitution “was to withdraw certain subjects from the vicissitudes of political controversy, to place them beyond the reach of majorities and officials and to establish them as legal principles to be applied by the courts.” West Virginia Bd. of Ed. v. Barnette, 319 U. S. 624, 638 (1943). This is why “fundamental rights may not be submitted to a vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections.”

I don't think they effectively addressed the Constitutional issues. And that is what the dissent focused on.

The dissenting opinions on the other hand seemed to be saying that the majority "invented" an argument that was not substantiated. And those dissenting opinions will certainly be used in whatever way possible against us, against LGBT persons, against our rights and against our relationships. There will be a backlash, and I fear that it could be vehement and ugly.

We need all of our allies to stand with us now, to celebrate and to voice their support - and to refute those who have vowed to fight against the SCOTUS ruling and against us.

But for today...CELEBRATE WELL!

Ireland Votes YES on Marriage Equality

Congratulations Ireland!

Marriage equality approved by 62% of those voting.  

SCOTUS take note! This is revolutionary! This is the future.

Sometimes Humor Is The Best Response

All the terrible things that happen since the "gays got married" here:

One Thing That Facebook Is Good For

Anyone who's on Facebook can go to NOM's Facebook page and answer their question:

 "Is there a couple in your life who have a strong, lasting marriage that inspires you? Tag them in the comments!"

Apparently the site has been flooded with comments from gay, lesbian, bi and trans folks as well as straight allies who are naming same-sex couples who "have strong, lasting" relationships/marriages.

After all, it is the National Organization for Marriage, and well, the growing number of same-sex marriages shouldn't be left out! Many of us have been together much longer than many straight couples and much longer than the length of time since our marriages became legal. Leon and I are just going on two months after a 26 year engagement. I wonder if it will last.

Sign Of The Times - In A Good Way

When Leon and I married on October 25th, ( And here) we had our immediate families and closest friends at the ceremony and for dinner at Pagliacci's Restaurant. And while we knew our families were supportive, we couldn't be so sure about extended family members and others.

We decided that we would let family and friends know that we are now legally married. And that our status in the community had changed.

We sent formal announcements to many extended family members, straight friends and old neighbors. Others learned of our nuptials from those attending. 

Although we haven't heard from all of them, we did receive cards and even a few gifts from many. When the cards and hand written notes started arriving, some of them blew our socks off!

Really, I don't think we've often given people credit for how genuinely they have embraced Leon and I and our relationship over the years.

I'd like to share a few here:

From a former neighbor lady and her son, when we lived in New Britain 15 years ago. 

She used to make pierogis once a month for fundraising at a very conservative Polish Catholic parish and always brought us the "factory seconds". She is now in her nineties:

From my old boss, a straight guy in his 70's:

From two Catholic nuns who live with my sister:

From my cousin and her husband along with a gift saying that Leon has always been a part of the family:

From my brother's mother-in-law, a very Irish Catholic woman:

From a 68 year old woman who was an HIV client of mine back 8 years and more ago:

From my Ex who I wrote about in my memoir and who now lives in Florida (can you hear his Acadian-French  accent?):

From Leon's cousin in San Jose:

From my ninety year old Sicilian Aunt and my cousin:

Many of our gay friends were not as excited and congratulatory as many of our straight friends and relatives, including some very "Catholic" ones.

Perhaps they are the real "silent majority" and despite all the wailing and gnashing of teeth on the part of the Fundies and TeaBaggers and Hate Groups, maybe these loving people do represent a growing new majority - at least here in the Northeast where same sex marriage has been legal for years without a major breakdown of straight marriages or signs of Armageddon.

Perhaps is is that our (in the collective sense) "coming out" makes more and more people realize that some of their friends, family members, co-workers are LGBT; that they really do know, love and respect someone who is gay.

Perhaps we are the "new normal" and our legal unions are, on the one hand no big deal, and on the other hand, something the straight world is eager to celebrate.

Go figure.

From my sister:

I Do, I Do, We Did – Finally, After Twenty-Six Years!

Frank Joseph DeFrancesco
and

Leon Jay O’Hart, Jr.

A Celebration of Marriage

Saturday, the Twenty- fifth of October

Two Thousand Fourteen

Frank and Leon, those of us gathered here today are honored to witness and celebrate your commitment to each other in marriage.

As our society still strives to overcome its fear and prejudice we here have grown to recognize the validity and beauty of your love and commitment to one another.

May your love continue to grow sure and strong and true in the days and years of your shared life together.

On Saturday, October 25^th, 2014 in a simple civil ceremony at our home and in front of a small contingent of family and friends, Leon and I said “I do”  - taking one another as our life-long spouses, “to support, honor and cherish through all the circumstances we may face and to never stop celebrating our love.”

We exchanged rings “as a symbol of our love and commitment to one another and of the values we share together.”

Leon’s mom “gave Leon away” and my sister walked me down the aisle too. Four of our dearest friends who we’ve known for all twenty-six of our years together, Joyce and Robin and Ed and Jeff, were “Our Best Persons”.

Guests included Leon’s brother Marty and sister-in-law Debbie, his two sisters Brenda and Lisa, a nephew, Neil and his wife Mehgan and their daughter Ada. On my side was my sister MaryAnn, my brother Mike and his wife Claire, my niece Andrea and my cousin Rose. My nephew Joe had planned to be there but had to be in San Francisco on business.

The officiant was Justice of the Peace, Michelle, who is also a member of Chimney Crest Writers (the group that guided and encouraged me through writing my memoir). She performed a beautiful civil ceremony for us.

The ceremony included two songs by Jeff Krassner that I posted recently, “Strong for You” and I hear the Angels Sing”;  my niece Andrea sang and played guitar accompaniment to “Make You Feel My Love” by Bob Dylan (a song which she chose for the occasion).

"Make You Feel My Love"

When the rain is blowing in your face,

And the whole world is on your case,

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,

And there is no one there to dry your tears,

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,

But I will never do you wrong.

I've known it from the moment that we met,

No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,

And I'd go crawling down the avenue.

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain't seen nothing like me yet. 

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn't do.

We ended with “Prince Charming” by Romanovsky and Phillips for a little levity, but at that point no one was listening - everyone was coming up with hugs, kisses and congratulations.

“Prince Charming” Romanovsky and Phillips

 I met you on a rainy day

But the sun’s been out since

And I knew from that moment that you were my prince

Funny how life is always a big surprise

I thought the man of my dreams would have blue eyes 

I thought you’d be taller

I thought you’d be rich

I didn’t think you’d be moody

And at times such a bitch

I thought you’d be brilliant

A real Einstein

But you’d rather watch TV than challenge my mind 

I thought you’d be happy

And never complain

But you’re so neurotic

You make me feel sane

I dreamt about you

Did you dream about me?

You wore shinning armor

And you rescued me

Funny how dreams are not always as they seem

My handsome prince turned out to be more of a queen 

You’re not as romantic

As I hoped you be

You never buy flowers

At least not for me 

I thought you’d be athletic

With muscles for days

‘cause it don’t matter

‘cause I love you the same

But don’t fear my darling

‘cause it’s you I adore

And I know you can’t be blamed

If at times you’re a bore….

After the ceremony and we had a celebratory toasting with appetizers provided by Joyce and Robin and my sister-in-law Claire who also brought the Asti Spumante.

Around three o'clock we all went to Pagliacci’s, a local Italian-American restaurant where we had made reservations for a party. The waitstaff, especially Allison, was super and the food was excellent. They were gracious enough to serve our wedding cake (a remarkably good generic cake from Costco) and no Italian wedding celebration would be complete without cookies to take home, so I made 12 dozen of Aunt Margaret’s festive Italian cookies (mine are not so fancy) and my sister and Claire also made delicious cookies. Claire provided favors for all the guests.

After the reception Leon and I were off to a local hotel for one night of relaxation - can't really call it a honeymoon, now can we? - a well needed night of peace and quiet.

All in all, the day went off without a hitch - no I guess that's not accurate as we got hitched - it went off just about perfectly. 

Now I have been hinting in past posts that a celebration was being planned, about ordering flowers, about it being a perfect occasion with all our immediate family being together in one place, about some “gay” love songs and about our love affair with the gold mokume gane rings. (Note: after much back and forth with jewelry stores, real and virtual, we purchased our Sterling Silver wedding bands at Ruby’s in Provincetown back in September – it just seemed fitting and serendipitous the day we rode our bikes into town and stopped in on a whim and saw rings we both liked at a fraction of the price of gold; we realized that our rings are symbolic, not a financial investment)

It seems that only Russ, over at Blue Truck, Red State had a clue, but I tried my best to throw him off.

Planning the event was fun. Choosing music, finding a nice reasonable restaurant, making invitations, programs and announcements, ordering a centerpiece and a corsage for Leon’s mom. The only thing that was work was house cleaning – like only Leon can do, and I try to do. We joked about registering at Neiman Marcus, and compared our plans to George Clooney’s recent extravaganza.

Now this was what I called a simple wedding, though it was slightly more than that.

In our attempt to keep it simple, we didn’t tell too many people, including relatives. You know at my age, anything can happen and I didn't want to jinx us - I could have had a myocardial infarction and ended up in the hospital and the wedding may have been canceled. Yet we had a few people who we spilled the beans to asking us if they could come. People were so excited for us. But we just couldn’t invite others beyond immediate family. For one thing we can’t afford it and for another, the house just isn’t that big.

So many people have been very excited when they find out: everyone we’ve told has reacted with loads of congrats and something like, “It’s about time.” or “We figured you’d do it sooner or later.”

We also kept talking about how weird it felt to be considering “marriage”. Neither of us had any wildest dreams, let alone dreams of getting married to a male partner. Same gender marriage was not even a concept when we were growing up. It was unthinkable when we were young adults. And it was unheard of back when we first met in 1988.

It still requires mostly unfamiliar mental calisthenics to wrap around the idea of marrying, even after 26 years.

But we see it as a way of protecting what we have built over those years. And I’m not talking about money, because we haven’t much of that. Having heard horror stories of partners being denied visitation or the right to make decisions or the right to even claim their partner’s dead body or make funeral arrangements, we both think marriage will offer some protection.

And there is for me, at least, the fact that it is a “political statement”.  The fact is that legally we can be married; the fact that there are so many still who hate us – hate us no matter what our “legal” status; the fact that I want to be “in their face” with it to some degree. I want to flaunt it. I want to be able to say to someone who refuses to discuss with me an issue about Leon’s health insurance or whatever, “I’m his spouse. I’m legally able to speak to you.”

And I want us to be counted in the up-coming census. I want us to be added to the growing numbers of same-gender couples who are courageously “out” and visible and being role models in one way or another, whose visibility has begun to make our relationships a matter-of-fact reality.

And I want all the Ma Beckoff’s in the world to get off Arnold’s back and to know that Leon’s and my relationship is every bit as real, every bit as authentic, every bit as loving, as hers or as any male/female married couple’s. And that same sex couples who lose a spouse feel loss as deeply, as profoundly and as heart-wrenchingly as they do.

Being pronounced spouses feels kind of like Pinocchio being transformed by the fairy - now we are real.

Photos and more to come.

Speaking of Gold Rings and Rainbows and From the File Cabinet Re-run

Looks like the Supremes have spoken in our favor once again. Or more precisely NOT spoken.

Their refusal to hear the appeals by a slew of states means they are letting stand lower court decisions that overturned bans on same sex marriage in those several states: Indiana, Utah, Oklahoma, Virginia, Wisconsin. And this has also opened the door to marriage equality in Colorado, Kansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, Wyoming.

Surprisingly, some of these states and/or their elected officials are embracing the outcome of this non-ruling by SCOTUS.

Thanks to Russ over at Blue Truck, Red State, for the link, you can follow the story here.

This seems like a good time to re-post an entry from April 10th, 2012:

This little ditty was written in a creative writing class - during a 3-minute exercise in which we were required to use the words "Manhattan Kansas". Interesting how the mind works in a spontaneous moment...

"I'm glad that's over." Gary said as he raised the whisky glass and took a good gulp. He put the cigarette to his lips with the other hand and drew a lung-full of smoke. "I hate weddings in general," he added as the smoke escaped through his mouth and nose, making curly-cues around his face, " and I especially hate being in wedding parties".

"Well," John replied, "You held up pretty well in spite of it and I'm sure my brother and my folks appreciated it. And, it was kind of fun being best man and having you in the wedding party too. I couldn't help thinking that someday the two of us could be exchanging vows, right here, in Manhattan, Kansas!"

Or Bristol, Connecticut for that matter...

Falling Like Dominoes

New states for marriage equality are being added to the map faster than I can keep up with: Idaho, Oregon, and today Pennsylvania.

Congratulations to all.

A Sign of Things to Come? or Do These Backward States Really Enjoy Making Themselves A Laughing Stock?

Link*:
Kansas is poised to codify discrimination against gays based on "religious freedom". 

and here

and here

Proposed Kansas legislation would allow ANYONE to discriminate against LGBT persons based on their RELIGIOUS BELIEFS by denying goods, services or public accommodation if “related to, or related to the celebration of, any marriage, domestic partnership, civil union or similar arrangement.” (emphasis mine). And it provides for complete immunity from lawsuits or recourse.

Going to the movies to celebrate your partner's birthday? Out to dinner on Valentine's Day? Buying a new outfit for your best friend's wedding? If the theater or restaurant or clothing store is run by bible bangers in Kansas, go elsewhere Dorothy. Call 911 for an emergency at the home you and your spouse share - the first responder doesn't have to help you if he doesn't believe in "your lifestyle".

While I'm certain it has no chance in hell of surviving constitutional muster, the fact that those Kansan legislators have the audacity to put forward such a bill is both scary and laughable. It defies logic, reason and common sense. The consequences would be dangerous and costly.

Do these people have no BRAINS? no COURAGE? no HEART?

The short answer is "Yes" to all of the above. I imagine that in today's Kansas, the Scarecrow, the Lion the Tin Man and Dorothy herself would all be shunned if they were going to a same-sex wedding.

The only bright spot in this is I can't wait to see how the LGBT community responds. Someone will come up with a witty retort, a highly visible demonstration, a creative response that will put the bigots to shame.

The Kansas legislature, the governor and the Republican party will again be a laughing stock.

Never Surrender, Dorothy!

*As usual, reading the comments of readers on some of these news articles is eye-opening, irritating, sad, tedious or occasionally funny.

Panti Bliss on Homophobia (Video & Text) - This Has Been Going Around and Should Keep Going Around

Other blogs have posted this video and a few have given some background. I posted it on Feb 5th and I think it is important enough to re-post it, in case one of my few readers hasn't seen it. It concerns a controversial commentary by Rory O'Neill, aka drag queen Panti Bliss on an Irish Saturday night TV show in which the performer referred to certain individuals as homophobic. The TV network immediately caved to those individual who threatened law suits and paid out 85,000 Euros to settle out of court. READ MORE HERE

I have said before, and I will say it again: We LGBT folks should no longer stand silently by while allowing straights to define the conversation about our sexuality, our lived experience, our rights. They should not be the ones to define what it means to be gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender. They should not be the arbiters of our morality, our choices, or whether or not we conform to the unrealistic and oppressive standards of some mis-interpreted scriptures.

What was the controversy in Ireland about? It was about the appropriation of the word Homophobia by straights who were allegedly libeled when referred to by Panti as "homophobic". In Panti's words:

So now Irish gay people find ourselves in a ludicrous situation where not only are we not allowed to say publicly what we feel oppressed by, we are not even allowed to think it because our definition has been disallowed by our betters.

And for the last three weeks I have been denounced from the floor of parliament to newspaper columns to the seething morass of internet commentary for “hate speech” because I dared to use the word “homophobia”. And a jumped-up queer like me should know that the word “homophobia” is no longer available to gay people. Which is a spectacular and neat Orwellian trick because now it turns out that gay people are not the victims of homophobia – homophobes are. (emphasis mine)

Panti says it well and better than I do.

And as someone else much wiser than I once said, (and I paraphrase): "let those who have ears hear" but sadly many with ears will stick their fingers in them and make babbling noises with their voices to block out hearing the truth: (full text below)



I personally think this is the essence of our current struggle: that non-LGBT are still defining the conversation about us. 

This has to STOP.

No longer can bigoted, homophobic, self-appointed experts, or those who consider themselves morally superior, or those who have some religious or political agenda be allowed to dominate the conversation about US, about our lives, about our rights, about or future. Let alone the ignorant, rigid, homophobic, religious literalists who insist on spreading their hateful opinions and illogic in comment sections of internet blogs and news journals.

Am I being too repetitious? Let me repeat in other words.

Further, there shouldn't even be a debate about us in the halls of congress, in the blogosphere, in the churches.

As far as I'm concerned, this phase of conversationwith non-LGBT folks is OVER:

- whether or not we "choose" to be gay or lesbian or bi or trans,
- whether or not we are "intrinsically disordered",
- whether or not we "deserve" rights,
- whether or not we "recruit" young people, or are pedophiles
- whether or not we should marry, or adopt children
- whether or not we should be able to order a wedding cake,
- whether or not we should be allowed to visit a partner in the hospital,
- whether or not we should be fired by the Catholic school,
- whether or not we should be allowed to march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade,
- whether or not we should play NFL football,
- whether or not we should be made "unmentionable" in our schools,
- whether or not we should be imprisoned or tortured or put to death for who we are.

The only conversation now, the only conversations we should engage in, are those in which we participate as full citizens with the dignity of full equal rights.

Full transcript of Panti Bliss' speech:

Hello. My name is Panti and for the benefit of the visually impaired or the incredibly naïve, I am a drag queen, a performer, and an accidental and occasional gay rights activist.

And as you may have already gathered, I am also painfully middle-class. My father was a country vet, I went to a nice school, and afterwards to that most middle-class of institutions – art college. And although this may surprise some of you, I have always managed to find gainful employment in my chosen field – gender discombobulation.

So the grinding, abject poverty so powerfully displayed in tonight’s performance is something I can thankfully say I have no experience of.

But oppression is something I can relate to. Oh, I’m not comparing my experience to Dublin workers of 1913, but I do know what it feels like to be put in your place.

Have you ever been standing at a pedestrian crossing when a car drives by and in it are a bunch of lads, and they lean out the window and they shout “Fag!” and throw a milk carton at you?

Now it doesn’t really hurt. It’s just a wet carton and anyway they’re right – I am a fag. But it feels oppressive.

When it really does hurt, is afterwards. Afterwards I wonder and worry and obsess over what was it about me, what was it they saw in me? What was it that gave me away? And I hate myself for wondering that. It feels oppressive and the next time I’m at a pedestrian crossing I check myself to see what is it about me that “gives the gay away” and I check myself to make sure I’m not doing it this time.

Have any of you ever come home in the evening and turned on the television and there is a panel of people – nice people, respectable people, smart people, the kind of people who make good neighbourly neighbours and write for newspapers. And they are having a reasoned debate about you. About what kind of a person you are, about whether you are capable of being a good parent, about whether you want to destroy marriage, about whether you are safe around children, about whether God herself thinks you are an abomination, about whether in fact you are “intrinsically disordered”. And even the nice TV presenter lady who you feel like you know thinks it’s perfectly ok that they are all having this reasonable debate about who you are and what rights you “deserve”.

And that feels oppressive.

Have you ever been on a crowded train with your gay friend and a small part of you is cringing because he is being SO gay and you find yourself trying to compensate by butching up or nudging the conversation onto “straighter” territory? This is you who have spent 35 years trying to be the best gay possible and yet still a small part of you is embarrassed by his gayness.

And I hate myself for that. And that feels oppressive. And when I’m standing at the pedestrian lights I am checking myself.

Have you ever gone into your favourite neighbourhood café with the paper that you buy every day, and you open it up and inside is a 500-word opinion written by a nice middle-class woman, the kind of woman who probably gives to charity, the kind of woman that you would be happy to leave your children with. And she is arguing so reasonably about whether you should be treated less than everybody else, arguing that you should be given fewer rights than everybody else. And when the woman at the next table gets up and excuses herself to squeeze by you with a smile you wonder, “Does she think that about me too?”

And that feels oppressive. And you go outside and you stand at the pedestrian crossing and you check yourself and I hate myself for that.

Have you ever turned on the computer and seen videos of people just like you in far away countries, and countries not far away at all, being beaten and imprisoned and tortured and murdered because they are just like you?

And that feels oppressive.

Three weeks ago I was on the television and I said that I believed that people who actively campaign for gay people to be treated less or differently are, in my gay opinion, homophobic. Some people, people who actively campaign for gay people to be treated less under the law took great exception at this characterisation and threatened legal action against me and RTÉ. RTÉ, in its wisdom, decided incredibly quickly to hand over a huge sum of money to make it go away. I haven’t been so lucky.

And for the last three weeks I have been lectured by heterosexual people about what homophobia is and who should be allowed identify it. Straight people – ministers, senators, lawyers, journalists – have lined up to tell me what homophobia is and what I am allowed to feel oppressed by. People who have never experienced homophobia in their lives, people who have never checked themselves at a pedestrian crossing, have told me that unless I am being thrown in prison or herded onto a cattle train, then it is not homophobia.

And that feels oppressive.

So now Irish gay people find ourselves in a ludicrous situation where not only are we not allowed to say publicly what we feel oppressed by, we are not even allowed to think it because our definition has been disallowed by our betters.

And for the last three weeks I have been denounced from the floor of parliament to newspaper columns to the seething morass of internet commentary for “hate speech” because I dared to use the word “homophobia”. And a jumped-up queer like me should know that the word “homophobia” is no longer available to gay people. Which is a spectacular and neat Orwellian trick because now it turns out that gay people are not the victims of homophobia – homophobes are.

But I want to say that it is not true. I don’t hate you.

I do, it is true, believe that almost all of you are probably homophobes. But I’m a homophobe. It would be incredible if we weren’t. To grow up in a society that is overwhelmingly homophobic and to escape unscathed would be miraculous. So I don’t hate you because you are homophobic. I actually admire you. I admire you because most of you are only a bit homophobic. Which all things considered is pretty good going.

But I do sometimes hate myself. I hate myself because I f*cking check myself while standing at pedestrian crossings. And sometimes I hate you for doing that to me.

But not right now. Right now, I like you all very much for giving me a few moments of your time. And I thank you for it.

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