Monday, April 9, 2012

Mea Culpa

When I emailed a copy of my post on the Easter Vigil to some family and friends, I imagined that by hitting the send button, it changed from being a shared personal reflection to being a self-rightous sermon though the words were identical.  I'm afraid this says more about me than the post itself did.  I lay awake in bed for hours last night feeling badly about having sent the email.  It was an inappropriate Easter greeting.

But it is interesting that the few replies I've received here and through email fall into two categories.  First are those who tell me it was well said, who more or less share the sentiments; second, those who offer some form of pity - who focus only on what they perceive as my deep pain and offer their love and prayers for me as though I were ill or a long-suffering martyr or something.  Just interesting.

I have such self-doubt and anxiety whenever I express strong views, or challenge authority or speak up to others.  Whether here in this Blog or in a letter to the editor, or god forbid face to face with someone whose views I find offensive or oppressive.   The heart races, the adrenaline rushes, fear rears its head and my confidence waivers.  "Who am I to expound on such matters?  They will come back at me and rip me to shreds. It will not be pretty."

Well, enough said.  Life goes on.



truthspew said...

Unlike you,I don't fret over blog posts. My motto is "Fuck it if you can't stand the heat."

Russ Manley said...

How interesting, your anxiety reaction there. It does say something about you, but what that is, I'm not sure. But I'd never have guessed if you hadn't shared that bit of information: you've posted things like this before, which of course is your perfect right - in fact, blogs might have been invented for ranting and raving and letting off steam, they are so useful in that way.

I'm sort of like truthspew: though I have occasionally gone back and changed or excised a word or two in a real firebreathing rant, I stand by what I write, no apologies. I am from a long line of Texans who tell it like it is, so - if the shoe don't fit, the reader don't have to wear it, ya know?


Frank said...

I didn't fret over this blog post - I fretted about sending a copy of it to certain very Catholic family members who, I later realized would not take it in the way I intended. I actually got a reply "I will pray for you." Not sure if she thought I needed the prayers because I'm a lost soul who voted for Obama or because I said I was depressed.

In any case, I find doing the blog to be freeing in general, despite my being rather thin-skinned. I do take things too personally (and always have). It is a character flaw I have struggled with. Which is why I find any confrontation very stressful.

Russ Manley said...

In this case, "I will pray for you" = "I'm not listening to anything you say," I think.

I take things personally too, though I give as good as I get. Later I struggle with forgiving the other guy for being such a deliberate butthead. Lots of people are, and go out of their way to hurt you or try to push you around.

I've come to realize that silence is often the best answer. If you can do that.

Theaterdog said...

I felt relieved when I read the "heart racing" part, and felt some solidarity, something often lacking in my life.
So, this is the kind of conversation I would expect of you were I a trusted friend.
It is a good thing.


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