Ireland Votes YES on Marriage Equality

Congratulations Ireland!

Marriage equality approved by 62% of those voting.  

SCOTUS take note! This is revolutionary! This is the future.

Sister Mary Ann "Dee" DeFrancesco, RSM

Greenhouse
Watercolor by MaryAnn "Dee" DeFrancesco

The Sisters of Mercy held a funeral Mass this evening for my sister, Mary Ann DeFrancesco, RSM (Religious Sisters of Mercy). She was 75 and died unexpectedly, likely from a sudden onset recurrence of a rare blood disease called TTP. Her obituary can be seen here, if you are interested. 

MaryAnn had some intuition that she might not survive another bout of the disease and had set forth her wishes including the readings and music selections for the Mass this evening. The readings and hymns were well chosen and the ceremony was both simple and beautiful. It reflected her personality, her spiritual values and her simple faith.

In addition to my relatives, so many of my and Leon’s friends came to the service. Their presence there said more than words can convey. We are blessed with such good people in our lives. Thank you all.

There are a few things I want to say about my sis, Mary Ann. She was a modern nun. Hadn’t worn a habit in years. She was a lover of nature, of the seasons, of the sun and the ocean and I think much of her spirituality was nurtured by the beauty of the natural world. She was never preachy or judgmental, though she didn’t hesitate to express her opinions about a number of topics.

She, and many other sisters were deeply hurt and distressed by (what I call) the Papal Inquisition that was initiated under Benedict 16 to investigate and intimidate women in (American) Catholic religious orders who were acting on the directives of the Vatican Council 2 under John 23 and as a result were modernizing their ministries and way of life. I would say that the Sisters of Mercy of the Northeast are quite progressive.

In addition to investigating the nuns, a major crackdown on progressive Catholics was begun by Ratzinger under JohnPaul 2, continued by him as Benedict 16  and is continuing even now by many Bishops who haven’t gotten the memo that JP2 is dead and Benedict has resigned. 

It was for that reason that prior to Leon and I getting married last October, I told my sister that while she was certainly invited and welcome, I was afraid she might be excommunicated if she were to attend a gay wedding. She said, “Don’t worry, I’ll be there.” Her presence at our wedding was so important to both of us and she seemed to enjoy it immensely. Even the sisters in her house sent Leon and I a lovely card and personal note of congratulations on the occasion. These nuns have chutzpah. 

But I was totally unprepared for what the priest said this evening during his homily in front of the entire congregation of sisters (there had to be 75 or more) and family and friends. When, at the end of his brief sermon and remarks he offered condolences to Sister Mary Ann’s family: “to her brother Frank and his husband Leon, her brother Michael and his wife Claire, nephew Joseph and niece Andrea.”

Leon, too, was surprised to hear himself being referred to as my “husband” by a Catholic priest speaking from the sanctuary of a Catholic chapel. Something I couldn't have imagined, given the times. Somehow my sis was responsible, I’m certain. Thank you, Mary Ann. 

In Memoriam

Sister Mary Ann DeFrancesco, RSM
(Religious Sisters of Mercy)

Fish Out of Water OR Why Is Everyone Talking Chinese?

Went to Hyde Park, NY with my hubby for the Lambda (Gay) Car Club Nutmeg Chapter Invitational event this past weekend. (Why the Nutmeg Chapter - Connecticut is the Nutmeg State - and that's another question altogether - is held in New York State is too long to explain).

My hubby drove his 1987 Chrysler LeBaron, I drove my 2010 Honda Fit.

Hyde Park is very nice. Rich old money, young new money, average working classes together making a fairly nice little community. Well kept properties, nice views, big mansions. Rhinebeck fairgrounds waiting for the Old Cars and the guys and their gay Old Cars.

So there I am, someone who cares zero about Old Cars, in with all these guys who obsess about old cars and many of whom spend lots of money collecting and restoring and maintaining and storing their Old Cars. Honda Fit. Talk about fish out of water.

The Guys Talking Chinese in the Hotel Parking Lot
Courtesy Neil Flavin

I am an introverted type to begin with and even more so in a large group of people with whom I either have nothing in common or have nothing "of the moment" in common. The moment being totally and completely about Old Cars. The more I heard about Old Cars the more introverted I got. This is right up there with the Yankee Candle Factory at Christmas time as fun things not to do. The candle perfume and holiday decor make me think I've died and gone to hell.

While these guys were in heaven, I was at the very least in Purgatory.

When these guys talk Old Cars and Motors and Car Parts and Mechanical it sounds to me like Chinese or Greek or whatever language you want to use to make the point that their language was Old Cars.

So I took a little time to go visit Eleanor Roosevelt's cottage, Val-Kill. (In the Hudson Valley you have a lot of Kills, the Catskills,  Fishkill, Peekskill, Walkill...you get the picture. I think it means creek or brook. My National Park Service Senior Pass came in handy for free admission. I had already seen FDR's place a couple of years ago.

The Val-Kill tour was very interesting and we were escorted through the house by Ranger Mark, our very beary tour guide of whom I do not have a photo, of course. The Cottage: fully and simply furnished with the actual or reproduction furnishings as it was when Eleanor last lived there.

The Stone House:

 On the grounds of Vanderbilt:

Great views of the Hudson River from the Vanderbilt Mansion property.

And I went off to the garden shop and well, other than that I was mostly bored. I hate to say that, but there was little general conversation going on, and even then, it always revolved around cars in some form or other. Like "I remember that time at your uncles funeral, you were driving the Pontiac or the Packard or the 57 Caddie or whatever."

There were 60 guys at the banquet, the food was good, but I left after dessert. Back at the hotel, I kicked back on watched TV. No, I didn't actually watch, it was just on. I think I drifted off...the beach is where my heart is...

Addendum: Added a photo to the last post.

Connecticut Pride Hikers

I was waiting for the email with the group photo that was promised before posting this, but whoever was going to do that hasn't yet. 5/5/15 Here it is:

Joined a group hike on Saturday for a hike in Black Rock State Park which is only about 15 minutes from our house. I'd never hiked there before. It was a comfortable 2 hour hike, slightly strenuous on the way up, but nothing a 67 year old like me couldn't handle. (I have to use that number once in a while because I tend to live in denial most of the time.)

CT Pride Hikers have been around for years, but for some reason I only learned about the group last year. Their once-monthly event seems to fall on weekends when we have other things already planned. Glad I was available for Saturday's hike. Leon was working.

Nice group and the dog, Benni, enjoyed the hike as well. I don't believe I didn't get Benni in a photo! Yes, he is in the second one, standing next to me. But just barely the top of his head and back in the photo - he's wearing a nice bandana.

 So sad that people feel the need to "graffiti" the rocks.

Lunch at the Goose and Gander afterwards was very nice. Had worked up an appetite, for sure. (But when DON'T I have an appetite?)

Connecticut Gay Men's Chorus - "I Am Harvey Milk" a Plebeian Review

Went to New Haven last evening to see CT Gay Men's Chorus perform "I Am Harvey Milk"

I may know very little about "music appreciation" but I know what I like and what I don't like. Judging from comments overheard after the performance, I am not alone. So here is my personal "review" of last night's CGMC performance:

While the performers and musicians were very talented, they were unfortunately constrained by the pretentious musical score. I can't imagine why CGMC chose this work. From the start I was expecting, then hoping, then despairing while waiting for the fun part which never came (Friday night in the Castro was a tease that never materialized. Perhaps after intermission. What? the show is only one hour (thank god) and there is no part 2 for the fun stuff?)

The storyline/timeline was all over the place. It made no sense starting with the candlelight vigil, childhood, the bullet (horrible piece), city hall, disco, here and yonder. Beyond confusing.

The music was discordant, dissonant, harsh and often painful to listen to. All the performers were in boring, drab, formal, attire. The conductor's and musicians' piercingly bright score lamps were aimed directly into the audience which made looking at the performers extremely uncomfortable. I had to actually cover my eyes with my hand, it was so bad. That, coupled with the reflection of the spotlight off of Ms. Peitler-Lederman's gown made me wish I'd brought my sunglasses. 

The show was very disappointing as it was not CGMC's usual up-beat show with costumes and humor and familiar tunes. 

I wish I had read about the work which was commissioned by the SanFrancisco Gay Men's Chorus - basically a funeral dirge - I might have passed up the opportunity (and even poor Harvey would have probably turned in his grave at the sound of it. Come on, a commissioned work should have been one to CELEBRATE Harvey's life and work and not be such a somber and stuffy orchestrated cacophony.)

Let me repeat that the performers were talented and excellent but unfortunately had to deliver an inferior product.I would encourage CGMC to stick to their very successful formula of productions with a variety of entertainment, great music, colorful costumes, interesting and timely characters, humorous skits. That is what we go to see and expect.

ADDENDUM: Found this similar reaction in Dayton.

NBC News Doing Stories About Transgender Children

Great reporting by NBC News. I guess more to come tomorrow evening.

Logic anyone?

I posted this with a question mark in my title because something about it seemed off, if a bit cutesy. So Russ wrote a great commentary for me. See the comments, below. Thanks for your insights, Russ.

At the risk of being thoroughly discredited, I'll let my thoughts wander here:

I'm not entirely convinced it is "apples" and "oranges". Sure, selling a firearm legally to a customer is without intimate knowledge of what or how the gun will be used should not be against one's sincerely held religious beliefs. (If one has moral objections to guns, they probably wouldn't be selling them. Another question: a Buddhist works at WalMart and is asked to sell rifles in the hunting department; can he or she object to the assignment on moral grounds?)

Back to the other gun shop: What if the customer says, "I want to buy a gun to kill my wife." Now that would be an illegal act. Does the shop owner refuse to sell the gun? Call the authorities and notify them of a potential murder?

My feeling about public accommodations and public business is: If someone offers a service of any kind open to the public there should not be a moral litmus test for customers to pass; business owners should be able to refuse services if the customer is threatening, aggressive or using the business premises to conduct illegal activities, e.g. harassing other customers in a restaurant or selling drugs out of a motel room.

Otherwise, one's personal morals are none of the business owner's business. Leon and I bought the cake for our wedding at Costco. Did the Costco bakers or the Costco CEO "participate" in our wedding? (I wish they had, we might have gotten some expensive gifts!)

On the other hand, do any of us really want to spend our money or enter into a contractual agreement with a company or business that is openly and unabashedly anti-LGBT? Why would we put ourselves in such a position, unless to make a political statement?

Can atheists have "sincerely held (religious) beliefs" and if so would an atheist business refuse services to theists?

If it were not for the fact that LGBTs represent a minority, and most anti-LGBT business owners won't suffer significant financial losses by refusing services, this might not be an issue at all. Imagine if these business refused services to 90% of potential customers.

And, do these so-called christians with sincerely held religious beliefs serve customers who are divorced and celebrating a second, third or fourth marriage? Are there not biblical admonitions against such marriages?

Why are these controversies all surrounding the rights of LGBT folks to live our lives as we wish?

So much for rambling thoughts.

Perhaps John Corvino will weigh in on the topic. His logic is usually impeccable.

We Must Be Crazy

Having been through the Winter From Hell here in Connecticut where there are still some patches of unmelted snow here and there - snow that fell in January mind you, you would think we would go South for some relief. Instead we went to visit Bob and Diane in Vermont because Diane goes for surgery next week. Had a real nice visit and Bob made a great pasta and meat sauce.

Here is what it looked like at their long driveway and at their house in Whitingham. NOTE: Today IS APRIL 10th. There is NOT supposed to be this much snow on the ground EVEN IN VERMONT!

 This is from their back deck, overlooking a pond in the mist - I think this is a nice photo, despite the nasty snow.

Living High On Social Security

I don't shop often and almost never at Kohl's Department Store - except when they send me a coupon for $10. They do this with no strings attached, about 3 or 4 times each year. Then I usually go there and browse the clearance rack to find something to spend my ten dollars on.

Recently my 20 year old Swiss Army Victorinox watch stopped running and I had some batteries that I bought last time my watch went dead. I guess either the batteries are no good or the watch is no good. And, well, it could be expensive either way.

But today I got lucky. Kohl's had watches on sale. I looked at the Timex models but man have they gone up in price. I found a nice looking off-brand watch that laughably says "Diamond" on the face. The regular price: $19.99. Right in my price range. At the checkout it rang up for the sale price of $12.99. After applying my $10 coupon and state sales tax I paid a whopping $3.18. Probably less than a battery. Hope it lasts at least a year.

And later, at Costco, where we went for lunch (Leon had the $1.49 hot dog and soda combo, I splurged for the $2.49 sausage with pepper and onion on a roll) I saw a watch I didn't buy:

I think mine is prettier.

And then I saw the other watch I didn't buy:

Mine is also stainless steel, but has a faux leather wrist band instead of the pretty expandable. And it has Roman numerals and no pretty dials showing the day and month and whatever. My phone does that.

So the way I figure it, I saved $3,196.48. I wish I could do that every day. I just don't know what I'm going to do with all that extra cash.

But Is There A Vaccine?

This explains a lot about how we are all becoming infected by internet viruses - and I don't mean the ordinary "computer" viruses that McAfee and Norton can fight off.

I found this little video to be an interesting demonstration of how we can be influenced and manipulated by ideas and ideologies and by our own emotions and biases; and it explains, in part, why we, as humans feeding on the internet for information, are so polarized.




My question is, seriously, "Is there a vaccine?"

I Could NOT Watch The Video

A young gay person was recently stoned to death in Jamaica. This is beyond uncivilized. Story and video here. And gay men are beheaded, thrown off buildings, or arrested and persecuted in Iraq and Iran, Russia, Uganda and elsewhere.

All in the name of God, Allah, Christianity, Islam, the bible and religion, of course - as is the backlash against the LGBT community here in the US.

An Excerpt From the Afterword

An excerpt from the "Afterword" of "Did You Ever See A Horse Go By/"

Peter, the friend to whom I addressed the Preface, died from complications of AIDS, like too many other people I have known. I never finished composing that letter to him in 1987 and so it was never sent. Here, many years later, I include an Afterword, addressed to him.

May 2014
Dear Peter,

I’ve somehow survived to 2014. I am old—or pretty nearly old as life journeys go. In the grand scheme of things, I am nobody and my life is irrelevant. So why should my story, my experiences beginning more than half a century ago, matter to anyone? Why should I bother to write down these snippets of my life?

The answer to that last question: I had to write this account, even if no one ever reads it, because I was compelled to do so in the same way as I was compelled to come out; it was a matter of survival. And if I am to live any semblance of an authentic life, I must come out unreservedly and often; because coming out is never only an event: it is a continuous process and one that challenges me daily.

• The woman who cuts my hair when I’m visiting in South Carolina insists on making small talk and asks about my wife. She has scissors. How do I respond?

• At the auto repair shop, I tell the service tech, who I’ve just overheard making a homophobic comment, “If there’s a problem, call Lee, my, uh, friend? roommate? partner? significant other? husband?”

• Lee and I are holding hands on a deserted beach at sunset as some college kids approach in the distance. Do I let go of his hand?

Ann Bancroft as Ma Beckoff scolded Harvey Fierstein’s Arnold in Torch Song Trilogy: “You haven’t spoken one sentence since I got here,” she says indignantly, “without the word gay in it.” How often do I check myself so as not to offend the likes of all the Ma Beckoffs in the world with constant gay references?

• I am challenged daily to come out, again and again and again, because, even as things appear to be changing, there still exist subtle and pervasive societal and cultural norms that are intended to usher us back into our closets: the veiled but insidious beliefs, behaviors, words, and hatred that are still widely tolerated.

• I am challenged to come out, again and again and again, because of the hate and vitriol and rage that seem to escalate in response to every equal rights victory and with every courageous individual who comes out and who refuses to remain silent and invisible.

• I am challenged to come out, again and again and again, because too many gay kids still choose suicide as their only option to escape bullying and familial rejection; because some lawmakers still introduce bills that would take back our hard won rights and liberties; because some religions still wave signs declaring that “God hates fags” while others, less blatant, use more refined and educated language to condemn and vilify us.

....continued in the book

Sometimes Humor Is The Best Response

All the terrible things that happen since the "gays got married" here:

Now Here's An Idea

Google to rank websites on basis of trustworthiness.
This may counter the anti-science and those who confuse opinions with facts.
I think all websites, articles, information should also be dated. Nothing like looking for information about something time sensitive and finding only articles that are 10 years old.

Malcolm Boyd, LGBT pioneer, died recently.

Link:
Malcolm Boyd, a pioneer for LGBT rights and an Episcopal priest, has passed away at the age of 91. If anyone is interested in LGBT history and those who have made our lives today what they are, I suggest you know about those who paved the way. Malcolm Boyd was one.

My Comments Regarding LGBT Contingent at Papal Audience

These are comments I posted to the Blog "Joe My God" recently regarding the news item about Sr. Jeannine Gramick and New Ways Ministry being invited into a Papal audience with Francis. While I often express my disappointment, anger and frustration with Catholic hierarchy, I also occasionally revert to being an apologist. I just find readers' comment to be so often crude, cruel, thoughtless and embarrassing. 

Most of the comments here seem not to get the point at all. 

I look at the presence of this group of LGBT persons/allies in the Papal audience as a POLITICAL ACT.

Because the Catholic Church, especially under Ratzinger's influence (with JP2 and as Benedict16) has inflicted such harm on LGBT folks, Catholic or not, and because the church still wields such strong influence over conservative Catholics and their allies - influence that often translates into civil discourse and legislation that harms us further - the LGBT community should well be willing to demonstrate our presence as legitimate world citizens in the presence of the oppressors (the Pope and Bishops).

The LGBT contingent in the Papal audience was, in a real sense, making a political demand that we not be ignored (even though on the surface the group was not fully recognized for who and what they were); this was not necessarily LGBT Catholics asking for a place at the Catholic table (as I think that ship has sailed), but rather demanding recognition as citizens of the world fully equal and fully entitled to every human right and without compromise and fully able to dialogue as equals.

One must also not forget the fact that much of Papal communication is done symbolically. An LGBT contingent was there. That symbolic fact cannot have escaped mention among the Pope and his bishops behind closed doors.

Give this group a little credit. They may be the ones who are able to eventually get the Catholic Church off our backs.

******* And this in response to a supportive comment:

Thank you. The work of securing LGBT equality is persued on many fronts. Dismissing the work that is being done by Sr. Jeannine and those like her is shortsighted. How quickly we forget that back in the 1960s, 70s, 80's so much of the struggle for LGBT rights and many LGBT organizations were, if not led by, then highly supported by local churches. Here in Connecticut we had "Project H", a group of church and community leaders led by an Episcopal priest who, for many years, provided the only resources in the area for men in the process of coming out to wives, family, friends. The Committee for Sexual Minorities of the Council of Churches, was instrumental in getting legislation passed - legislation without which we might not be where we are today. The churches may have inflicted more harm than good upon our community, and I in no way defend the sins of the churches and their clergy in that regard, but there are individuals who, like Jeannine Gramick are living a more authentic christian tradition. 

Religion has been polarizing, for sure, but please, let's be discriminating in doling out condemnations. I don't understand the usefulness of crude and hateful statements (whether coming from anti-gay individuals or coming from anti-christian individuals) that lend nothing to rational discourse. I appreciate various points of view that have substance but I'm totally turned off by thoughtless name-calling, just because one is angry. These discussions seem to revert to the lowest common denominator - and are often an embarrassment to the wider LGBT community.

Transgender Chorus on Glee

I am so moved by this performance and the fact that the transgender community has finally gotten some real visibility - in numbers. It's about time.

The System Just Isn't Working For The Working Poor

I heard this report on NPR today when they were doing stories on the economic ramifications of the unbelievable amounts of snow in New England - and how the conditions have a far greater impact on hourly employees and the working poor.

(And some people have the nerve to defend the so-called "free market economy" - the corporate economy that puts profit above people. And some people may consider my views, beliefs, values and philosophy too liberal, too radical, too left-wing. I reject that characterization. My beliefs, values, and philosophy are NOT liberal, radical or left-wing ENOUGH, because I am, as the title of this blog states, a Reluctant Rebel).

Anyhow, the story relates the plight of a homeless woman who works in food services, and who, in addition to not getting paid if she took a "snow day" would likely be fired. Her hours-long bus journey each day to bring her child to her mother's and pick the child up in the evening to return to the shelter is made more grueling with the snow.

And she hasn't the option of not returning to the shelter because any sheltered person who does not sleep in her bed overnight loses the bed to another unhoused homeless person and may have to wait for another opening.

Leon and I spent several days shoveling out our home - but thankfully we have a home to shovel out.

Listen to the story:

Unfortunately I don't have an answer, a solution to the plight of the poor that will change their lives in any immediate way, but if the 1% or even the top 10% of wealth-holders paid their fair share of taxes some of this artrocious poverty and injustice could be alleviated.

Stubbornly Hanging On To The Past

In my memoir, I spend a good number of pages telling about my difficulty in being a good Catholic boy.

At moments since writing "Did You Ever See A Horse Go By?" I've thought that my story is old, outdated and irrelevant.

But I keep reading articles that make me think that the difficulties I experienced as a young gay kid are just as relevant now; and with some of the religious backlash that's been going on, more relevant than ever.

I think the Catholic Church in the 1950s and 1960s, despite its old school traditional thinking, was a lot more subtle in its admonitions than it is today, Pope Francis notwithstanding.

Things were not always spelled out then, and when they were, it was with what may well have been, to a young child or adolescent, code words - words like self abuse, adultery, heavy petting, impure thoughts, and the like.

But somehow, some of us, if not most of us, got the message. But our transgressions, however, were only discussed in the privacy of the confessional.

The list of possible and morally suspect transgressions are now being spelled out in no uncertain terms: “public support of or publicly living together outside marriage, public support of or sexual activity out of wedlock, public support of or homosexual lifestyle,” as well as support or use of abortion, surrogacy, artificial insemination..."

Funny, no specific mention is made of supporting corporations that hoard money and make their executives wealthy off the backs of the poor, or supporting the death penalty, or violence against sexual or ethnic or racial minorities or abuse of children, women, and others, or trading in human lives or injustice in the legal system, overcrowded prisons, poverty, raping the envioronment, etc, etc.

Instead, bishops and archbishops like Cordileone in San Francisco are devising moral litmus tests for school teachers and school employees  (and HERE) that require professed adherence to these cleric's rigid and often misguided interpretations of Catholic dogma and tradition.

In addition, they are now calling their teachers and I assume the janitor and the secretaries "ministers"  - legal rather than religious language that will permit them to discriminate against/terminate any employee who does not pass or fails to maintain passing the litmus test of orthodoxy, and without cause - or recourse to legal action by the fired employee.

So, yeah, things change and things remain the same. And, yeah, perhaps my little memoir still has some relevance in 2015.