Supreme Court - My Thoughts

What if they made a weekly TV series "Supreme Law" like LA Law or Boston Legal or Night Court. It might make a great TV series but it would probably be better written.

I took the links to the audio and PDF of yesterday's arguments before the court from Russ at Blue Truck Red State and listened in.  Interesting, educational, but at times mundane.

Russ has all the summaries and links a person could ask for regarding the historic Supreme Court cases on Prop 8 and DOMA.  I won't add to that but just my own commentary in "The for what it's worth department".

I would guess that SCOTUS will throw out the Prop 8 case for lack of standing - that is what they were most concerned about.  Those arguing could not seem to get their arguments to be consistent.

Do the proponents of Prop 8 have standing?  Why should they defend the law if the state itself chooses not to?

Is the case just about California or is it broader?  Does it just apply to jurisdictions where same-sex couples already have some of the privileges of marriage and therefore not affect states with no rights for LGBT couples?  It sounded a lot like the lawyers were taking oral exams and prepared answers to all the wrong questions.

Will try to catch the DOMA arguments soon.  My guess is that this will have a better shot at status as it is a much more "federal" issue.

The real question is what kind of can of worms will it open?  With the constitution allowing states to regulate marriage, can the federal government then turn around and say they will not recognize what the states decide?  Will a decision striking down DOMA require states to recognize valid same-sex marriages performed in other states?  If so, will that essentially negate any State constitutional amendments prohibiting same-sex marriage?  And how will that then effect a ruling on Prop 8?

What I think this all reveals is that, although a nice and revolutionary idea at the time, the concept of individual states united under one federal government is inherently flawed, especially now, as travel, industry, technology and all has developed.

There has to be a greater consistency in state laws and regulations.  It is too easy for someone from my state, for example, to avoid paying sales tax on an expensive item just by traveling a couple of hours into New Hampshire where there is no sales tax; or to avoid automobile property tax by registering their car in Vermont using a post office box or a friend's address; or to avoid prosecution for DUI and failure to appear in Massachusetts by not driving through that state; or to avoid certain taxes by locating a business or a yacht in a state like Delaware; etc.

When it comes to marriage laws and same-sex marriage, the issues become so convoluted and inconsistent.  Add the dimensions of relocation, death, divorce, adoption, inheritance, benefits, responsibility for debt and it gets strange.  In Connecticut a spouse is responsible for a deceased spouse's debt - if my same-sex spouse dies and I flee to Oklahoma (I'd be crazy) would I no longer be in debt?  Well I hope the Supremes ask good questions, because I, for one, would like some answers.

UPDATE:
Just got finished listening to the DOMA arguments. Whew!  Gave me a headache!  I guess it's wait and see.

Looking For Serendipity or Water Equality

Yesterday I took Benni for a walk in the doggie park.  It was cold and windy and only one other person and one other dog was there, so we decided to walk together.  Turns out that the woman I was walking with works as fundraiser for a non-profit, so we shared some experiences.  She sent me a link to her organization and I checked it out today.  I am attaching one of their videos.

This non-profit House of the Children/Rainforest Flow helps indigenous people of Southern Peru to secure and maintain environmentally friendly sources of fresh drinking water and sanitation.  The founder of the organization went to Peru several years ago and became involved in the fresh water issue based on what she observed there - mainly that contaminated water was the leading cause of death and disease and that the Peruvian government attempts to address the problem were inadequate and not workable.

What impresses me most is that the organization, House of the Children/Rainforest Flow has a very focused mission and  they are implementing their mission the right way.  They are a purely non-sectarian organization with solid scientific methods.  By that I mean they are not there to preach, to change the native culture, or to dole out charity; their very professional, dedicated experts in the field are providing know-how and hands on work to assist the people of the rain forest in building sustainable and environmentally integrated water filtration and sanitation systems.

Their challenge is fundraising.  Who wants to fund an organization trying to bring drinking water to some remote villages in Peru?  What's in it for them?  We have plenty of worthy charities here in the States.

But I liked what I saw on their web site and so I'm sharing it here.

I check out my traffic feed, so I know people from all over the world land here on purpose or by accident.  Perhaps someone knows someone who knows someone who can help.... so here's to serendipity.

I Said It Before, I'll Say It Again

For What It's Worth Department:

I posted this comment (pending moderation) on the blog IZZOIZ after another rather boorish post about the Catholic Church and Cardinal Bergoglio/Francis I, criticizing his supposed support of LGBT Civil Unions in Argentina when faced with the likely passage of same-gender marriage there.

So, I guess it's OK for Barack Obama and the Clintons to evolve in their views about same-gender marriage, but not so much for someone "Catholic" like Bergoglio.  Your coverage of anything Catholic seems like just another opportunity for you to express hatred rather than give any in-depth information.

Look, I have been a vocal critic of the Catholic Church, especially while it was under the influence of Ratzinger (read my blog).  But I think there is a way to present a story or to editorialize, that is honest, even brutally honest, but still maintains some semblance of intellectual maturity. 

Compare your headline with that of the Advocate.com - yours is clearly biased as is your snide editorial comment.

Like I said, we all know there is much to criticize about the Catholic Church, but just making the same old pernicious comments over and over does not add anything intellectual to the discussion.

I, and maybe other readers, would be more inclined to take you seriously if your hatred didn't come across as your main point.  It goes well beyond righteous indignation or anger; by painting with a broad brush of name-calling your blog entries on the subject are often both offensive and entirely laughable.

Grow up.

As there are plenty of blogs out there that are reporting on LGBT news, I am removing IZZOIZ from my reading list;  I am considering doing the same for another blog, however that blog is better written and more insightful, except when it come to "Catholic" issues, so I will put that decision on hold.

The Case of Bernard Baran

I remember reading about Bernard Baran years ago.  He was wrongly accused of molestation while working as a teacher's aide back in the '80s mainly because parents learned that he was gay and stories were fabricated to "get" him.  He spent 21 years in prison.

Juxtapose this case against that of the man claiming "homosexual panic" and self-defense in the alleged murder of  Marco McMillian, a mayoral candidate in Clarksdale, Mississippi, a state without a hate crimes law.  This guy may actually get no jail time if the jury is sympathetic to his alleged victimization (he claims McMillian was coming on to him sexually) by a gay man.

In both cases the gay man is assumed guilty of a crime.  The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Encouraging Signs of Change

A Very Different View of the Vatican

I have been reading some of the Catholic blogs and it seems that the ultra-conservative faction of the Catholic Church is frantically praying and carrying on as if the Church has been handed over to the devil himself.  I can only take this as a good sign.  And I think a lot of ultra conservative Catholics and politicians alike are going to be in for a rude awakening.  I want to ask, "How does it feel?"

And I think that the election of Francis by the college of Cardinals says a few things that I haven't heard a lot of discussion about.

I think that the majority of Cardinals, including Jorge Maria Bergoglio, before he became Pope, were towing the party line - and by that I mean the party line as defined by Joseph Ratzinger under JPII and as Benedict - and they did not necessarily agree with what the Party was preaching.  These men, unwilling to rock the boat for fear of being thrown overboard, did not always say aloud what they thought in private.  Now this Francis is shaking things up.  I could see him having tea, some time soon, with the Dalai Lama.

And, perhaps most significant, was Pope Francis' statement to the press corp who had assembled for an audience/press conference.  "I told you I wholeheartedly imparted my blessing. Many of you don't belong to the Catholic Church, others are not believers. From my heart I impart this blessing, in silence, to each of you, respecting the conscience of each one, but knowing that each of you is a child of God: May God bless you." 

I am going out on a limb of hope here: The phrase "respecting the conscience of each one" will hopefully prove to be significant.

The National Catholic Reporter has a good article about the power of symbols in Catholic culture.  And this new Pope has been using symbolic gestures since the moment he was elected.  Most importantly, the symbols he's using are pastoral rather than regal, inclusive rather than exclusive, communal rather than hierarchical.

There was even a report (in Gay Mystic by RJ Cameron) that, according to Leonardo Boff, a Liberation Theologian,  as Archbishop he, (Bergoglio), approved an adoption of a child by a gay couple in Argentina.  (unconfirmed so far) Cameron says:

Boff also says that, even though in many aspects - as those referring to contraceptives, celibacy, and homosexuality - Bergoglio followed a conservative line, as a cardinal, that was due solely to pressure from the Vatican, and maintains that there are elements that indicate that the new pope is much more liberal than that.

I have said, "wait and see".  I'm thinking now that the wait may not be that long.

Oh, but they offed John Paul I only 33 days after he became Pope in 1978.  I hope someone has Pope Francis' back.

And let's not forget Benedict is still lurking in the wings.  What if Benny has second thoughts once Francis starts undoing all of his nazi nasty little rules and regulations.  And then there will be a battle of the Popes.

That is way too Armageddon to even think about.

A Few Words on Pope Francisco and the Bloggers

Church of St Francis, Assisi, Italy

Many of the gay blogs are all aflutter - most finding and re-blogging all the negative stuff about the new Pope Francisco.  How he is a gay hater and fought against marriage equality in Argentina, etc. etc.  Like they are shocked or surprised or disappointed or, more truthfully, enjoying the opportunity to bask in their self-righteous condemnations.

Yeah, Jorge has a history.  And, based on that history, he is not likely to become a friend to the LGBT communities of the US or Argentina or Europe or anywhere else, anytime soon.

But he also has a history of service to the poorest of the poor and a prayerful humility that is fertile ground for seeds of change.  Perhaps those seeds will sprout and grow this time around.

While I question Pope Francis' sexual and theological orthodoxy, I recognize that Jorge Mario Bergoglio is a very different sort of man than was Joseph Ratzinger.  And that Pope Francisco will be a very different Pope than Benedict.

Today, a little over a day since this Pope was elected, I think it is premature to assume that the man in the white cassock is going to act exactly like the man who wore the red one on Tuesday.

While I am not optimistic about any forward movement of the Catholic Church in its stance toward gay, Lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, neither am I entirely pessimistic about the new Pope.

My gut feeling says, wait.

No, No, Not Again!

So living in New England means fantasizing about more significant climate change...last March we were at the beach in Provincetown on March 21, enjoying near 80 degree sunshine...can hope for anything even close this Spring Equinox?

This is what we woke up to this morning.  The forecasters said 3-6 inches.  By the time it ended at noon, it was closer to a foot.

A Sad, Sad, Church

It pains me to see the Catholic Church in bed with the likes of NOM.  (See below) The utter hypocrisy of a couple of arch/bishops (Rhoades and Cordileone) sending out a letter to Catholic bishops all over the United States urging support of an up coming NOM demonstration while Cardinal Keith Patrick O'Brien said in a statement regarding accusations and admission to those accusations of his sexual activities with priests:

(Italics mine) "Initially, their anonymous and non-specific nature led me to contest them. (in other words to lie until the truth was just too obvious) However, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards (I'd like to know exactly how low those standards are because I thought the Church requires the clergy to be celibate) expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal."

"To those I have offended, I apologise and ask forgiveness," (how magnanimous, now that he's been exposed - obviously he didn't apologize during the many years before the story broke) wrote O'Brien. "To the Catholic Church and people of Scotland, I also apologise." (I'm touched)

"I will now spend the rest of my life in retirement. (lucky him, and I'm sure he will want for nothing, including...) I will play no further part in the public life of the Catholic Church in Scotland."

Photo Source - Internet
Used without attribution

On to the local bullies who prepared this letter to the US Bishops:

Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth Subcommittee for the Promotion and Defense of Marriage

3211 FOURTH STREET NE • WASHINGTON DC 20017-1194 • 202-541-3040 • FAX 202-541-3176

February 25, 2013

Your Eminence/Your Excellency:

As you may be aware, several organizations have come together to sponsor a March for Marriage which is scheduled to be held on March 26, 2013 in Washington, D.C. This event is being planned strategically for the first day when the U. S. Supreme Court will be hearing oral arguments on the cases that could determine the future of marriage, as the union of one man and one woman, in our nation.

We are grateful for this opportunity to express support for the Marriage March and to encourage participation in this event. We realize that the march will occur during the solemn days of Holy Week, but we ask that you consider promoting this event in your diocese and parishes and encourage participation where possible.

The march will be a significant opportunity to promote and defend marriage and the good of our nation, to pray for our Supreme Court justices, and to stand in solidarity with people of good will. It also complements well the bishops’ Call to Prayer for Life, Marriage, and Religious Liberty that was approved last November (www.usccb.org/life-marriage-liberty). This is a decisive time for marriage in our country. We are deeply grateful for any support you can offer for this march.

The websites promoting this event are available at http://www.marriagemarch.org/ and https://www.facebook.com/MarchForMarriage. As we understand, more detailed information will be forthcoming in the next few weeks, and updates will be posted on the websites. The Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth will be promoting this event through the website and social media.

With profound appreciation for all you do in support of marriage and family life, and with our assurance of prayers in this holy season of Lent, we remain

Fraternally in Christ,

Most Reverend Kevin C. Rhoades Bishop of Fort Wayne-South Bend Chairman, Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth

Most Reverend Salvatore J. Cordileone Archbishop of San Francisco Chairman, Subcommittee for the Promotion and Defense of Marriage

These guys need to take a good look in the mirror and start being honest with themselves.  Besides, Benedict is GONE, so who are they trying to impress?

Craig's List Humor

Let me know what you think.....

Last week Leon and I posted an add on Craigslist for a futon sofa and futon arm chair.  (As our dog Benni said in his blog, we bought a new couch that we needed like a hole in the head).

Our asking price was $425 for the two solid oak mission style pieces.  As anyone who's done Craigslist knows, people negotiate and haggle.  We expected an offer, but not this.  

First Email: This person expressed an interest and asked if she could buy only the sofa for $100.  

My reply: I replied that $100 was too low, besides, we wanted to sell the two pieces together.  Then the following exchange occurred: (Complete with uncorrected spelling/typos):

On Feb 18, 2013, at 10:41 AM, CTbuyer wrote:

Hi

It i Marisa again.  I really want this.  Let me know if there is a way of negotiating.  Note - I have 2 mission recliners for sale on Craigslist, they are brand new.   Almost 600 plus tax and shipping.  I have only literally sat in one a few times.  Selling them for 450 each.  Too large for my tiny place.  Willing to trade with you one of the recliners - the one I never used if you wont sell for 100.00. Let me know.  On craigslist title is mission recliners.  Photos are in the ad.  They are solid oak.

My reply: Sent: Mon, Feb 18, 2013 10:56 am

Subject: Re: 2 Mission Style Futons - $425 (Bristol)

No thank you; selling as a complete set for price listed;  I will give to charity if I cannot get a serious buyer.

On Feb 18, 2013, at 11:00 AM, CTbuyer wrote:

I am a serious buyer.  You will give to charity and not make a penny vs. make money.  Well if it means anything..............   I have a cat rescue organization.  I do cat rescue and adoptions.  Hey, i am trying.  I really love that futon.  Please consider it.  Let me know how negotiable you are...   if it does not sell as a set you are just getting rid of it?  does not make sense.   You wont do 100 for the sofa?  If not, what are you willing?  Pleasee work with me.  It would go beautiful in my living room, but I already have two recliners I have to sell, I cannot take in your chair.

[Like I will donate it to her cat rescue organization so she can put it in her living room?]

[I'm trying to discourage further discussion here]

My reply: Sent: Mon, Feb 18, 2013 4:28 pm 

Subject: Re: 2 Mission Style Futons - $425 (Bristol)

Complete set only - price is firm.

On Feb 19, 2013, at 11:06 AM, CTbuyer wrote:

So what happens if no one wants to buy it or spend that much money?  Your than just giving it away?   Does not make sense.  Well good luck.  If you look on craigslist you wont find a futon anywhere above 150.   Your futon is gorgeous, and looks good quality, but it is a shame.   if you change your mind, let me know.  I tried negotiating with you.  You should put in your ad, no negotiations.........  it is like a teaser.  Well, there is someone else in (TOWN) that is selling theres for 50.00 so I guess I will go with that, but I really wanted yours being it goes with my furniture.  If I bought your futon, and than you sold your chair separately you could probably make yoru 400 that you are looking for........  Alot of people like mission chairs.......I have them, but mission futon chair........... there is a ton of them on craigslist.  

[this woman cannot take a hint, and I had another reply from someone willing to pay full price, so this was my reply]

Sent: Tue, Feb 19, 2013 12:01 pm

Subject: Re: 2 Mission Style Futons - $425 (Bristol)

IT'S BEEN SOLD AT THE PRICE I ASKED - NOW LEAVE ME ALONE

[but it didn't end there]

On February 19, 2013 5:24:11 PM EST CTbuyer wrote:

wow, glad I did not give you my money.  YOU ARE A PRICK!

RUDE SON OF A BITCH. FUCK OFF.

[My bitch side got the better of me and I couldn't help replying, stooping to her level and suggesting she look in the mirror...I don't know if there was more as I blocked any further emails from her]

No Fan of The Pope - Apologetics From a Rebel

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows that I am no fan of Joseph Ratzinger aka Pope Benedict 16.  And I have been critical of the Catholic Church for their cover-up of child abuse and their stance on homosexuality, women's ordination and marriage equality, birth control, use of condoms, etc.  My criticism extends to many other Christian and non-Christian religions as well.

However there is currently an unsubstantiated "news" story being repeated in gay blogs and anti-Catholic circles that links the Pope's resignation to some alleged "arrest warrant" issued by an international organization on behalf of some "undisclosed" European nation.  The reports are suspect on many levels and just reading the source/sources one would think it obvious that it is either a hoax or an exaggeration of a kernel of truth. These blogs use the story as a basis to editorialize and express a deep-seated hatred for the Catholic Church.

As I commented in one such blog:

This story is apparently a hoax.  There are no credible references to the content of this story that I can find.  The fact that there are so many who are eager to believe this "news" speaks ill for our community as well as for all whose hatred for the Catholic church is such that facts don't matter.  We talk a good talk when it comes to others spewing hate toward the gay community, but stop and reflect on how we do the same to them.  There is justifiable anger toward the RCC and legitimate demands for accountability but using unsubstantiated stories to further our cause is irresponsible. 

All of you who feel compelled to criticize the Catholic Church (and I count myself among you) please do so responsibly.  The Catholic Church, like other religions, has done lots of good and has produced countless individuals whose work with the sick, the poor, the imprisoned and disenfranchised are indisputable and exemplary.

Those of us brought up to admire and emulate the values of love, service and compassion that we learned from the Church and its teachers, feel most acutely the hurt the church has caused us and  others and at the same time we feel the profound sadness of a child who wished for a more consistently understanding and affirming and parent.

Please temper your hatred for my Mother with a modicum of respect; she may not be perfect, but she had a good side; and in your condemnation of the Pope and all you think he stands for, remember that when your whip lashes out, it may strike some of the very brothers and sisters with whom you claim solidarity.

You do the "cause" no favors when you speak hatred for the sake of shock or revenge or political correctness.  You embarrass us and the cause of LGBT rights when your hatred and ridicule overshadow your intelligence and ability to check the facts.

So criticize hypocrisy, expose the truth, demand accountability, express anger, describe your personal hurt and outrage, but please do so with some degree of thoughtful regard, with responsible journalism, with respect for the truth and, dare I say, with humility.  Hubris is unbecoming no matter whose "side" you are on.

We Have a Great Dog

We couldn't ask for a better boy.

Check out Benni's new post on Benedict Bentley.

Exchanging Valentines in the Age of Frugality

Leon mentioned that he was at the pharmacy and had planned to buy me a Valentine but by the time he picked up some other items it slipped his mind.  So much for romance!

I told him I'd been at the pharmacy the other day and had actually picked out a card but there were ten people at the checkout and, well, I am not a patient person.  Given that the card was priced at $4.99, the decision to put it back on the rack was easy.  So much for romance!

The interesting thing, as I told Leon, was that I had found a card suitable for two men and whether that was the intent or not, it worked for me.

We decided to go back to the pharmacy and do our usual temporary shopping routine, only with photos: we would pick out and exchange Valentines right there, take some photos of the event, return the cards to the rack, walk out and put the $10 we just saved toward a dinner out.

Now, as I said, this is not a new tactic for us.

I started this kind of "shopping" years ago when we would go to KMart or other big box store.  I would put things into the shopping cart - a nice jersey with a breast pocket, two new folding beach chairs, a waffle maker, some new bath towels, whatever.

We would continue walking around the store shopping.

Then I'd say something like, "I really don't care for the color of that jersey and for that price I can do better.  I'll wait till it goes on sale." Then we'd walk back to the Mens Dept. and put the jersey back on the rack.

And then I would get to thinking and comment, "Gee, we already have some perfectly good beach chairs, do we really need to spend $45 on two more?  We'd walk over and put them back.  Then I'd make some excuse for the waffle iron and the bath towels and they'd go back on the shelf too.

We'd walk out of KMart without buying anything and go out for pizza.  It was a perfectly good shopping trip and very satisfying.  And I think I enjoyed the pizza so much more as a result.

Now we've never done this with greeting cards, but it makes perfect sense.  After all, what do you do with a card once you open it and read it?  Put it on the credenza for a few days?  Toss it in a drawer?  Throw it away? This way, we have a nice photo and a lasting sentiment.

OK, here's the card I chose for Leon:

And here's the card he chose for me:

This one was also a contender in the M4M category, a bit more sentimental and meaningful; probably the one I like best:

And we're looking forward to dinner out tomorrow evening.  Nothing fancy mind you, we only saved ten bucks.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY HONEY!

Pessimistic Rebel and Papal Politics

Years of the Rat Coming to an End

I don't know what it is, but I feel like crap.  The winter is so tiring.  I  am weary and uninspired.  This thing called aging sucks.  I'm not doing it gracefully.  Got a bill from the liver biopsy that almost gave me a stroke...and that was AFTER the insurance paid what they thought it was worth.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all pay our bills for the amount we thought the commodity was worth?  Oil delivery, I think it's worth about 60% of the charge; groceries, 75%, cell phone and satellite TV, maybe 20%, dinner out...

So I went and changed a number of upcoming appointments until after my Medicare kicks in.  It all got me in a nasty mood and I didn't sleep well last night.  So I feel like crap today.

In another life I might comment on the Pope's resignation.  All the gay blogs are just a twitter, so to speak: how wonderful that the Rat is resigning.  But don't get all excited, boys.  The Catholic Church has a long and distinguished history of persecuting gays, and no matter who is elected, don't expect that to change.

There was only one John XXIII, and he is long dead and they've done their best to have him forgotten.

It all comes down to politics. The vultures waiting in the wings are likely no better than the Rat and will certainly not have great changes on homosexuality or women's ordination on their priority list.  In other words - don't hold your breath.  Thanks to Jayden Cameron at Gay Mystic for a link to a Papal Contender Lineup at Business Insider, complete with profiles and the betting odds, if you're interested.

Right now, I could care less.

There was a time when I naively believed that the church was above politics.  There was a time when I actually believed that God worked in mysterious ways, that the Spirit guided the church...I can't see it now.

It is a dark and ominous church, and the Spirit, if ever there was one, is barely alive or visible.

So, we are here, surrounded by piles of snow several feet high and the consistency of fresh cement.  Leon shoveled part of the roof yesterday and we had to then remove that snow from the walkway.  Southern climates look better every year...

Well, I've got to get out today and find a place where I can actually walk or hike with Benni the dog.  The snow is even too deep for him and he is a tall boy.

Like You Really Want To See Pics Of Snow

Leon Being Leon

The Barbie 

The Camper Next to the Snow Pile

The Vehicles

Trails for Benni 

Our Driveway from the Road

The Ford

A town truck plowing the street in front of the house

Flag Against A Blue Sky, Fresh Baked Bread, and A Little Stir-Crazy

Winters are way too long.  At least here in New England.  And longer the older I get - that seems to be a sentiment shared by others in my age bracket.

Even though I go hiking every day with Benni and often with Dottie and Leon too, the routine is getting monotonous.  Walking the dog, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning house, reading blogs and news, writing, watching the TV, fighting with remote controls and every other electronic device, sealing grout, recycling the recyclables, doing laundry....I am feeling stir-crazy.  The Senior Center where I volunteer is closed for renovations, so I don't have that diversion either...

This winter we've not gone South at all.  Or North. Or East or West.  I think we need a little break.  I've been waiting on a doctor's appointment (annual check-up) which is coming up on Wednesday;  it was booked two months ago and was the first available appointment (adventures in Health Care), so we've been waiting, but haven't made any plans.  I hope we can do a four or five day jaunt to somewhere, maybe up to the Gargoyle House or even out to Cape Cod.

Meanwhile the sky here is a deep winter blue and the home made bread just came out of the oven a while ago.  Leon is in NYC at a Lambda Car Club Event so Benni and I are about to go off on a little hike.  It's not so bad, really, but a change of scenery would be nice...

From My File Cabinet - 8 Meditation on Death

Meditation on Death, 17 September 1993 (Blog Version)

Meditations on death seem to sneak into my consciousness too often lately.  Perhaps it’s just the end of summer that stirs the uneasy feelings associated with loss of youth and the shouldering of responsibilities, of being a grown-up person whose purpose is, after all, to work and pay taxes and acquire possessions but never really enjoy them and then to eventually die, hopefully without having to be really sick or to suffer.

But I think not.  I seem to think of death when I walk in the woods with Moose, my fourteen year old part Lab who has cancer and drools a thick slimy space-age-looking substance that I’m sure would make me a million if only I could bottle and patent it.  Yet the idea of making money just returns me to my ascetic thoughts.

Knowing that sooner or later I will have to decide to have the dog euthanized gives me some degree of angst.  I can’t help feeling that this is a test.  On the one hand I am a realist and I know that death is a natural thing; on the other I know how losses tear away at my very being.  Thus it is the waiting for precisely the right moment that has me on guard: for this decision must be timed perfectly.  To let go too soon would serve only my desire to get the waiting over with and substitute some of the pain with guilt; too late would be selfish and cruel and insensitive and make me grieve too intensely.

It wouldn’t be of such significance were it not for the fact that I know this is a test. Not to hurry death prematurely with despair, nor to thwart death by holding on too tightly to life.

Death seems so ugly when it is random and untimely.  Yet so often it comes as an end to suffering and is seen, on a purely human level, as a relief.  When my mother was dying it was the waiting that seemed to take its toll on me; in a sense I had been waiting for over thirty years.  It was as if she had died long ago and the only thing that had survived was her disease; as if it was the disease, not Mom, around which our lives revolved.

I left her hospital room one afternoon and drove around aimlessly as if to gather up the phlegm of anger that had settled in my chest over the years.  When I walked into the kitchen back home, I was drawn instantly to the drawer where we kept the silverware.  We always called it silverware even though there wasn’t an ounce of silver in it.  There was one setting of flatware that had a different pattern – the set that only mom used and which was always separated from the rest of the knives and forks and spoons (supposedly to protect the rest of the family from contracting TB).

My anger was powerful and overpowering; I was suddenly intent on mangling and destroying what I instantly became aware of as the symbol of my mother’s disease.  I twisted and bent the offensive utensils and expelled them from the house and into the trash.  The private drama was my declaration that the disease no longer had power over this place, or this family.  The release and relief was intense.

Mom was on a respirator due to her deteriorating ability to breath on her own and was unable to talk because of the breathing tube that forced air into the part of a single lung that she had lived with for nearly twenty years – and thirty-two and a half years longer than the doctors had once given her.

Mom was gesturing, trying to communicate her desire to have the breathing machine removed.  This was not possible, the doctors explained to us and to her – unless she was able to breath on her own long enough to meet the strict protocol for the device to be disconnected.  Mom drew on whatever strength she had left to breath once again on her own – to breathe long enough to meet the required standard.  The doctor ordered removal of the respirator and the breathing tube.

She wanted no further “extraordinary measures” to be taken, and once she was  off the respirator, the doctors were obligated to comply.  She was able to give up her spirit in peace and dignity.  My grief then was quiet and cleansing and, like a gentle rain, tapered off and ended.

It is strange what we recall from all those religious retreats and days of recollection we had to endure as teens and young adults: one Padre in a long cassock reminded us that our lives are as short and insignificant as the dash carved on a tombstone between the year of one’s birth and the year of death.

I hope I pass the test with Moose.  I suppose it’s in the timing; the timing is the important thing; to know precisely the right moment.  Not too soon; not too late; to be patient; to wait; and yet to go on as if nothing is different; to fool death, to pretend not to notice his game of hide and seek.  The timing is everything.  Ollie-ollie-in-free.  The leaves are falling and it is the end of another summer.  Another tick in the tick-toc of time.  Another microscopic chip of granite carved out of the space between the year of our birth and the year of our death.  

Suddenly summers become a shrinking commodity.  How many are left?

I wonder if there is any point to trying to do, to see, to have, to experience more; I suppose if you’re my Leon, it makes sense.  He collects memories like home movies.  I, on the other hand, forget.  Leon says that it’s a waste for me to go on a trip or to see a movie because I forget so much.  Perhaps that is my attempt at detachment.  Knowing that I am easily encumbered, I prepare for death by forgetting life.  Perhaps like my mother, I’ve already died and have to wait for it to be finalized.  God, the waiting is so tedious sometimes. And so, as meditations go, one often gets distracted, perhaps so as to avoid getting too entangled.  

We just go on to tomorrow.

Restaurant vs Home Cooking

Home Cooking

OK, so we saw this restaurant "Le Louis XV" on Giada's TV program, I'm not even sure of the name of her new program - probably something like Independently Wealthy Perky Breasted Food Network Star Eats Her Way Around Europe Without Gaining An Ounce.

So we thought we'd jet over to Monte Carlo next month and check it out.

We checked out their website, and unfortunately they're closed from February 19th through March 6th - the only time we could have possibly gotten away.

Oh, well, here's what we'll be missing - and just for your information the current exchange rate for Euros is 1€ = $1.35.

Makes Mama Leone's 1962 Gold Standard Shine

Remember Ice Nine?

Remember Kurt Vonnegut's novel, Cat's Cradle about the isotope of H2O called Ice Nine?  A single crystal could turn a lake or ocean solid.  Looks like someone's been dropping ice-nine in our waterfall....

Well, we haven't been this cold in Connecticut in several years.  Even at that, it's not as cold as I remember it being, even as recently as the early eighties.  But it is cold...enough to freeze over the local waterfall.  Hope it is warmer where you live.

We took a hike today to Buttermilk Falls to check out how the cold weather has worked its wonders... the falls are nicely frozen over - but you could hear the water running under the ice; the ice crust was pretty thick in most places, except on the flat areas between falls.  The falls are pretty in different ways at different times, and I've posted pictures of the falls before, but the icy falls are quite something.

Here, for your viewing pleasure is Buttermilk Falls, on ice:

Me and Benni

 The patterns of ice along the stream are pretty.  I suppose if you can't be under a palm tree on a beach in a tropical paradise, you might as well find some beauty in the nature you're stuck with...(hope that doesn't sound too envious).

My Honey -  Leon

Some pics of Leon and Benni on the foot bridge.  Benni doesn't seem to mind the cold at all.  He is happy to be out hiking (so is Leon, I think).

Leon and Benni