Attempting to Get This Uneasyness Out of My System

(Let me apologize in advance for complaining. If you don't want to deal with my negativity, please, read no further.)

 I don't even know what I want to say. 

I am not growing old gracefully. 76 is the new 66. Or is it the new 96? Which is how I feel these days. 

Having to adjust to or at least deal with bodily changes. I don't have any life-threatening diseases that I know of, but all of the minor ones are like a thousand paper cuts. I'm not on my death bed but I think about death often. At 76, I see it approaching.

When I was young, a pain, a bruise, an illness would be better in a few days. When I was in my 30s the pains, the bruises, an illness might take a few weeks before getting back to normal. In my 60s it was more like a few months. Now it seems like nothing gets better, even after a few years. If anything, things get worse.

I think about my life with Leon. Leon has had health issues, some serious, but treated and more or less resolved. He is, of the two of us, the one who loves life. He wants to do things...and I, I no longer see any point to doing things, going places, seeing things. But I want to be healthy for him, to be able to travel, hike, walk, be enthusiastic and do things with him, for him.

Hearing loss and hearing aides. That took months to get used to. There were days I wanted to throw the blasted things out in the trash. I'm still not thrilled with having these things in my ears. 

And the cataracts will need to be taken care of sooner or later...

Arthritis in my left knee and stiffness and pain down my leg. I hobble around and walk slowly. I had some major improvement with physical therapy, but then I push myself to the limit and beyond, causing major relapse. Arthritis in my thumb joint whic sometimes makes picking up a cup of coffee or gardening or writing painful. Back issues which the Pain and Spine clinic really had nothing to offer except a boiler plate treatment that was irrelevant by the time I was scheduled...the back issue mostly did resolve but not cured with only physical therapy.

The aches and pains don't help with insomnia, another more or less ongoing issue.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life. I've said goodbye to more therapists than I care to recall.. A fairy extensive list. None of whom, except perhaps for one, were able to make a dent in my armor. I think I am very adept at masking my depression. My most recent therapeutic relationship was my weekly social contact. Kind of like visiting a friend for an hour each week.

I've tried a few different prescription meds, none of which helped, some of which had undesirable side effects, some of which just made matters worse. So I've come to distrust psych meds entirely. 

Here it is a sunny, another blue sky day in the Land of Entrapment. 

I long for beaches, salt water, sand, waves, and gentle breezes.