Tuesday, February 9, 2010

New Career Possibilities

I picked up one of those "alternative lifestyle" newsprint magazines at a health food market or tofu cafe some time back and was paging through it recently.  I saved it because it gave me a chuckle. Amidst all the daily grief we read about in the blogosphere, I thought it would be a diversion to comment on it and .... it got me thinking.  I should take up a new profession.  There are so many things I've never even considered doing for a living.

For example, if I were a psychic, medium,  healer, I could offer to "remove ghosts and negative entities from your home or body in one session - by phone or in person" and teach you to "talk to your guardian angels and spirit guides within one hour".  You will "feel their presence - by phone or in person."   Naturally I would prefer doing it over the phone (I would take all major credit cards)  as I would not have to change out of my sweats or waste gas.  As ghosts, negative entities and angels are invisible, as are my services, there would be no refunds.

To prepare myself I could attend a workshop to learn about "activating the star merkaba of one's self and of the sacred mountains and lakes" or to learn "holotropic breathwork".   The "art of sacred sexuality" sounds like fun.  I might just "call today for accelerated awareness"  to "open the door to financial abundance".  (but they don't tell you where this door is located - it's probably at the top of Mt Everest)

Or I could send for a mail order ordination and practice "divine intervention", "spontaneous remission", "intra-dimensional web working", "22 strand DNA activation" and the "King Solomon healing modality", but I'm not certain if these can be done over the phone.  The "144 strand DNA activations" are obviously more advanced.  I didn't do well in college physics, so I don't think I can master "the laws of larger physics...utilizing a specific dimension and hertz frequency" to "enable source to come through...to create a miracle".  Now this is different from "full spectrum energy" healing which sounds like something you can get at Home Depot in the lighting department.  "Deep space clearing" is probably not removing debris from outer space, but I can't be 100% sure about that.

 "Auric record cleaning" sounds like it has something to do with a cluttered hard drive while "ear candling" is playing with fire.  Having lived with a dog for 15 years, I know about "animal communication" and I have a garden so perhaps I could be a "herbalist.  I have a background in counseling so I can enhance my skills as an "intuitive counselor" and even become "clairaudient" as well as "clairvoyant".

Could I easily learn "relocation astrology"?  to find "your best map locations for career and romance, natal, seven rays esoteric".  With my Apple laptop's built-in camera I can do "aura photography" so you can "see your true colors, and your aura/chakras, LIVE, on-screen!!"  With some training I could be a male witch and offer "contact with spirits, spells cast and removed" to "get back the one you love".

With a little weekend training I might become an "abundance and empowerment coach" and "channel divine love and wisdom" during "soul rejuvenation sessions".  I definitely don't want to clean your colon, you can do that yourself.  You can, however, "unlock the secret of your immortal memories" by allowing me to lead you into a "past life regression" or a "life between lives regression".  This sounds like too much work on my part, cuz I know how resistant you can be.

The possibilities seem endless.  Maybe I'll just open a boutique where I can sell all the beach stones I've collected - and that have, of course,  stored within them the power of the moon and tides and are sure to cure whatever ails you.

Let me leave you with an apropos fun, musical ditty by the gay duo Romanovsky and Phillips: "Waltz for the New Age"


  1. How funny, Frank! Be very careful with the cosmic spinach, though. I hear you can dry it, smoke it and get a raging spanokopitic high, especially if you snort a little dried feta on the side.

    A former neighbor of ours, Nancy, used to practice "rebirthing." Her clients would come to her house, and soon after they arrived, we would begin hearing the most god-awful wailing and moaning sounds coming from the rooms in the back of the house. Then she would send these people (mostly bourgeois women) up into the rocks behind our houses to meditate. None of them ever fell face-down into the huge patches of prickly pear cactus, but they all looked pretty dazed and confused.

    A few years ago, Nancy's son actually accidentally drowned in a hot tub up in the mountains near here while practicing some of this tantric hocus-pocus that she taught. It's sad that he was so self-tormented. He was quite a good painter.

    So, if you're going to dabble in these black arts, you might need to get some new outfits. Oh, and be sure to pay up your malpractice insurance!!!

    Shall we meet for lunch on Planet Caladan? Or, I hear they have good melange "sand"wiches on Arrakis.


  2. When I lived in San Francisco, my roommate was really into all this. Once she drug me along to a psychic fair that was happening in Golden Gate Park. In order to go to any of the real stuff—no rides unfortunately just palm readers, angel guides, and tarot people—you had to have an aura cleanse. I had a cute scruffy little guy cleanse my aura; it involves lots yawning a lot and grabbing stuff just beyond my ears and $20. I really miss San Francisco…

  3. If only I could take money in good conscience...like those that really, really believe, can do. I guess it goes in the category of snake oil, televangelists and financial planners. I think Romanovsky and Phillips say it so well.

  4. Hahahahahahaha. Very amusing Frank, and the R&P ditty is a hoot.

    Now I've had three close friends over the years who were heavily into that kind of stuff, and the very curious thing is, they were all cradle Catholics - who of course left the church in adulthood.

    I've always found this puzzling - to turn from the profound mystery of the Incarnation and the Unbloody Sacrifice - which, view them as theology or poetry, are deeply meaningful and redemptive - to turn from something truly spiritual to this superstitious worship of earth and rocks and trees etc., an essentially masturbatory narcissism so obviously based on mere wishful thinking - a child's game - well, it just strikes me as utterly silly, to put it mildly.

    Which raises the question of whether the Church is fooling itself in thinking that all those pews are filled with people who have the slightest clue what it is they are doing and saying and professing on Sunday morning - or whether it is really just a social/familial/ethnic thing that few people really comprehend or have the capacity or desire to understand.

    I can tell you that Protestant churches in small towns like mine serve essentially as social clubs - now folks who go every Sunday would deny that but that's really true on a certain level. Which is why it's easy for Protestants to slide from one church to another as they go through life; most cannot tell you the doctrinal differences between one or the other - except the rabid Bible-thumpers, but that's another kind of superstition: "the Bible says it and I believe it" etc.

    Anyway, thanks for making me laugh this morning, I needed that pal.

  5. PS - something I forgot to mention. These friends whom I knew very well who were into all this new age stuff - as I watched them over the course of the years, there was no discernible effect on their character.

    Sometimes they were helpful, kind, considerate, charitable, etc. when they felt like it; and other times they were rude, bitchy, mean, selfish, and self-centered. In other words: just like any other human being, a compound of good and bad, with a whole lot of self-will mixed in.

    No noticeable "enlightenment," no more so than any other silly mofo on this planet. Which I thought was hardly a good advertisement for their beliefs.

    Which of course begs the question of whether Christianity - as commonly practiced - has any discernible effect on people's character; but I have to tread lightly here, because although I may think sometimes, gee what a swell guy I am on account of my own beliefs, but then again does anyone else really see it in the way I act and behave . . . ? I'm not sure I really would care to hear the answer to that. Grin.

    There's a very good reason why Pride is called the chief of sins. Ah, what fools these mortals be!

  6. For many folks traditional religion and even these more esoteric beliefs are mainly ties to a community. I know for a lot of Italian Catholics, they go through all the motions, especially around Baptism (the Godparents), Matrimony, and Burial but don't take the theology or admonitions too seriously. And I think, in some ways, this is OK. It's just that it doesn't work for me.

    I did a post some time back (Road Trip:Saved - Feb 17, 2006) that is somewhat pertinent about the difference between a truly "christian" but not religious family and another "religious" but less than christian group. The label does not always tell the product (the book vs the cover).

    I guess it does show that many people are searching for something on a more or less spiritual level that the mainstream churches are not providing. Maybe, its like I felt after one season of the TV series "Lost" - they're leading us on with lots of mystery, but there is no god.

    Like the TV show, I'm not sure I can keep on watching.

  7. I read your 2/6/06 post - good one, Frank - and yes that is a very telling contrast: it's so easy to say you're Christian, but how many actually live it?

    Which is what today's text in my Sunday Drive is all about: though I speak with the tongues of men and angels . . . if I have not love, I am nothing.



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